Dave Barry Annual Gift Guide

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From the Miami Herald Posted on Sun, Nov. 26, 2006

The Birds-Away Attack Spider

Dave Barry

$15 plus shipping and handling from Sophron Marketing, 11094 Mt. Brow Rd., Sonora, Calif. 95370, 888-767-4766; www.attackspider.com

Suggested by Heather Bergevin of West Columbia, S.C.

Ask the average American citizen, "What is the biggest problem facing our nation today?" Chances are that citizen will reply: "Woodpeckers."

That is why we are so pleased to include the Birds-Away Attack Spider Woodpecker Deterrent in this year’s Gift Guide. This is a large hairy battery-operated pretend spider that hangs on a string. According to the manufacturer, when a woodpecker starts pecking wood, the spider drops down on its string making a noise, which scares away the woodpecker. Of course in real life, spiders don’t eat woodpeckers, but woodpeckers are way too stupid to figure that out. Their brains are mush from pecking wood all the time. They can’t even remember why they do it.

But the point is that this is an excellent product, which would enhance any home, even one where woodpeckers are not a problem. You could hang one of these babies over your front door, just out of sight, and when a visitor knocked… AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!